The Thing About The Thing

It started, as most disasters did, with something very small.

This is important to understand from the beginning. Nobody lied. Nobody was malicious. Nobody set out to cause trouble. A small true thing became a large untrue thing by the perfectly ordinary process of being passed from person to person, each of whom added a small amount of drama and removed a small amount of nuance, until the original small true thing was completely unrecognisable and Hal was, technically, famous for something he had never done.

Hal had told his best friend Priyanka, in confidence, that he was thinking about auditioning for the school play. That was all. Not that he was auditioning. Not that he had a specific part in mind. Just that he was thinking about it, in the loose vague way you thought about things you were not sure you were actually going to do.

Priyanka had told her cousin Daisy, in confidence, that Hal was almost certainly going to audition for the school play.

Daisy had told her friend Seb, in what she believed was confidence but what Seb experienced as interesting information, that Hal had already auditioned for the school play and was expecting to get the lead.

Seb had told approximately everyone he encountered on Tuesday morning that Hal had been cast as the lead in the school play and was being very confident about it.

By Tuesday lunch the version of events circulating through year seven was that Hal had told the drama teacher he was the only person who could play the lead and that if he did not get it he was going to make a formal complaint.

This was, to be clear, completely untrue. Hal had not spoken to the drama teacher. He had not auditioned. He had barely formed a definite opinion about auditioning. He had said a thing, once, to one person.

The speed at which the story had evolved was, in retrospect, impressive. Forty-eight hours from thinking about auditioning to threatening the drama teacher. Priyanka, when Hal described this to her later, said it was a classic case of the telephone effect, which was a thing she had read about in a book about social psychology that she had been given for her birthday and had read immediately because she was Priyanka.

Hal found out about this version at Tuesday lunch when a girl called Imogen sat down across from him and said: "is it true you threatened the drama teacher?"

Hal had been eating a sandwich. He stopped eating the sandwich.

Hal stared at her. "What?"

"About the play," Imogen said. "People are saying you told Mr. Osei you were the only one who could play the lead or you would complain."

"I have not even auditioned," Hal said. "I was thinking about auditioning. I told Priyanka I was thinking about it. That is the entire thing that happened."

"Oh," Imogen said. She looked at her lunch. "So you probably should not have told Priyanka."

"Thank you," Hal said. "That is incredibly helpful."

Imogen looked at him. "Do you want half my biscuit? You look like you need a biscuit."

Hal took the biscuit. It was chocolate digestive. Under the circumstances it helped.

He found Priyanka at her locker.

"I told Daisy," Priyanka said, before he could begin. "I know. I am sorry. I thought it was fine because it was just Daisy."

"Just Daisy told Seb," Hal said.

"I know."

"Seb told everyone."

"I know."

"The current version is that I threatened Mr. Osei."

Priyanka winced. "I heard it was that you had already been cast and were being smug about it."

"There are multiple versions?"

"There are at least three versions," Priyanka said. "I have been tracking them. It is actually quite interesting from a sociological perspective."

"It is not interesting from a being me perspective," Hal said.

"No," Priyanka agreed. "We need to correct it."

"Obviously we need to correct it. How?"

"I will tell Daisy the truth," Priyanka said. "Daisy will tell Seb. Seb will tell everyone. Same chain, reversed."

"That is a very optimistic theory," Hal said.

Priyanka had the expression she used when she thought he was being unnecessarily negative about something she had decided to do anyway.

"It could work," Priyanka said.

"Or," Hal said, "Daisy will tell Seb something slightly different from the truth, and Seb will tell everyone something completely different again, and by Wednesday morning I will have apparently challenged Mr. Osei to a duel."

Priyanka considered this. "I think you are being pessimistic."

"I think I am being realistic," Hal said. "But fine. Try."

Priyanka told Daisy the truth on Tuesday afternoon with the careful precision of someone delivering a very important message and hoping very hard that it arrived intact.

The truth was: Hal said he was thinking about auditioning, nothing more, he has not spoken to Mr. Osei at all, the whole thing is a misunderstanding.

Daisy told Seb: Hal did not threaten anyone. He just really wants the lead and is quite nervous about the whole thing, apparently.

Seb told his friends: turns out Hal has been really anxious about this audition for a while. He hid it well. Kind of admirable really.

His friends told other people: apparently Hal has been going through quite a lot lately and the school play audition has really brought it to a head. His friends are concerned. He is putting on a brave face.

By Wednesday morning the version circulating was that Hal was going through a difficult time and the school play audition had triggered some kind of personal struggle and everyone was being very supportive.

Priyanka had a notebook. She had been writing down each version as she heard it, with the time and the source, which was the kind of thing Priyanka did when she found something interesting, and which had produced by Wednesday morning a small but detailed record of the rumour's evolution. She showed it to Hal at form time.

"Version one: threatened the drama teacher," Priyanka read. "Version two: already cast and smug. Version three: really wanting the lead. Version four: having a crisis."

"There are four versions," Hal said.

"Four documented versions," Priyanka said. "There may be others I have not captured."

The notebook was a small spiral-bound one that Priyanka kept in her blazer pocket for exactly this kind of situation, which was not a situation she had specifically anticipated but which was not unlike situations she had previously anticipated in general terms. She had a section at the back labelled: observations, social dynamics, and this was going under that section.

Hal looked at the notebook. "You have a section for this."

"I have a section for a variety of things," Priyanka said.

"Do you have a section for when your best friend becomes the subject of a school-wide misunderstanding?"

"I have a section for emergent social phenomena," Priyanka said. "This qualifies."

Hal spent the rest of Wednesday in a slightly surreal state, the kind where the normal parts of school, maths and English and lunch, were happening but underneath them was the awareness that somewhere in the building people were discussing a version of him that was not him. It was, he thought, a very specific feeling that he had not experienced before and hoped not to experience again.

He told Priyanka this.

"That is the uncanny valley of social identity," Priyanka said. "The rumour-you is close enough to actual-you to be recognisable but different enough to be uncomfortable. Very interesting."

"For you," Hal said.

"For the study," Priyanka said. "You are a fascinating case."

"I do not want to be a fascinating case," Hal said.

"Too late," Priyanka said, and wrote something in her notebook.

Three people Hal had never spoken to came up to him on Wednesday to ask if he was okay.

"I am fine," Hal said, each time, with increasing bewilderment. The third person, who he genuinely did not know, patted him on the shoulder and said it gets better and walked away before Hal could ask what was supposed to be getting better.

"You seem fine," each person said, apparently relieved, which implied they had expected him to seem not fine.

He found Priyanka at break.

"Your plan," he said, "has made things worse."

"I know," Priyanka said. "I heard the crisis version. I am sorry."

"Three people asked if I was okay."

"That is because people are kind."

"I am not having a crisis," Hal said.

"I know you are not."

"I was thinking about auditioning for a school play. That is the full extent of my situation."

"I know," Priyanka said. She was quiet for a moment. "I think we need a different strategy."

"What strategy?"

"We stop trying to correct it through the same people," Priyanka said. "Every time the message goes through Daisy and Seb it mutates. We need to go around them entirely."

"How?"

"You audition for the play," Priyanka said. "Actually audition. Then the real thing will replace the rumour because the real thing will be happening."

Hal looked at her.

"That," he said, "is also a very optimistic theory."

The version of events that Hal told his mum at dinner on Wednesday was: there was a misunderstanding at school, it got a bit out of hand, it is being sorted. His mum said: what kind of misunderstanding? and Hal said: Priyanka-related, and his mum said: ah, and went back to her dinner, which suggested she had a reasonable working understanding of how Priyanka-related situations tended to go.

He auditioned on Thursday.

He sat in the audition waiting area for fifteen minutes with two year eight students who were also auditioning. One of them said: are you Hal? and Hal said yes, and the year eight student said: I heard you were really good, and Hal said: I have not auditioned yet, and the year eight student said: oh, I heard you already had, and Hal said: that was a rumour, and the year eight student said: oh, and went back to their script.

Hal looked at the ceiling. The rumour machine, apparently, had not entirely stopped.

"This is your fault," Hal said to Priyanka, outside the drama room, before going in.

"Partially my fault," Priyanka said. "The rest is the nature of social information networks."

"That is not comforting."

"It was not meant to be," Priyanka said. "It was meant to be accurate."

"Go away," Hal said, and went in.

He had not prepared, because the whole sequence of events had not left a great deal of time for preparation, but he had done drama in year six and still remembered how to project and he went in and read the sides that Mr. Osei gave him and did not think about the rumours or the crisis version or the three people who had asked if he was okay, and it went, he thought, reasonably well.

Mr. Osei said: good work. He said it to everyone. But Hal thought he meant it.

The version of events that circulated on Thursday was: Hal auditioned for the play and he was actually really good.

This was the version Priyanka heard and reported to Hal at lunch.

"That is the accurate version," Hal said.

"I know," Priyanka said. "I watched through the window. You were good."

"You watched through the window?"

"I was gathering data," Priyanka said. "For the sociological study."

"There is no sociological study."

"There is now," Priyanka said. "I have been tracking all five versions. It is genuinely very interesting. The pattern of mutation follows a consistent logic: each retelling simplifies and dramatises. Thinking about auditioning becomes threatened the teacher. Correction attempt becomes personal crisis. Actual audition becomes genuinely really good. Each step removes nuance and adds drama."

"That does track," Hal admitted.

"I am going to write it up," Priyanka said. "For the school magazine."

"Please do not use my name," Hal said.

"I will call you Subject A," Priyanka said.

"People will know it is me."

"Subject A is an everyman figure," Priyanka said. "A universal experience. The specifics will be obscured."

"The specifics are me being asked three times if I was okay by strangers," Hal said. "That is quite specific."

"I will change it to two times," Priyanka said.

Hal thought about all five versions. Threatened the teacher. Already cast and smug. Really wanting it. Having a crisis. Actually really good. He thought the last one was the most accurate, and also the only one that had come from him doing the thing rather than people talking about him not doing it.

He thought that was probably the lesson, if there was a lesson: the only version that was accurate was the one where something real happened.

Priyanka had, at this point, five documented versions of the rumour and a theory about the mechanics of its evolution. Each version had simplified and amplified, she explained to Hal that Thursday lunchtime. Thinking about something became doing it. Doing it became doing it confidently. Confidence became arrogance. Arrogance became a dramatic confrontation. Confrontation, once corrected, became crisis. Crisis, once seen to be unwarranted, became resilience. Resilience, once actively observed, became impressive.

"At each step," Priyanka said, "the story gets more interesting. Nobody is trying to lie. They are just unconsciously making it more worth telling."

"That is oddly comforting," Hal said.

"It is not personal," Priyanka said. "It is just how stories work."

"It was a bit personal," Hal said. "Three people asked if I was okay."

"Two people," Priyanka said. "In the article. Officially."

"Three in real life."

"Officially two," Priyanka said firmly.

The cast list went up the following Monday.

Hal got a supporting role, which was not the lead but was a speaking part with four scenes, and he felt, looking at the list, a small warm satisfaction that had nothing to do with the rumours and everything to do with the fact that he had done something he had been nervous about and it had turned out fine.

The version of events that circulated on Monday was: Hal got a part in the play, not the lead but a good part, and everyone said well done.

Hal stood in front of the cast list for a moment. He had a supporting role. Four scenes. Real lines. He was in a play.

He thought: I would not have done this if Priyanka had not accidentally started a rumour about me, which then required me to audition to disprove, which then went well.

He thought: that is an extremely roundabout way to end up in a play.

He texted Priyanka a photo of the cast list.

She replied immediately: I am putting this in the article as the conclusion. Subject A achieves positive outcome through indirect causal chain.

He replied: please do not.

She replied: already written.

Hal reported this to Priyanka in person at lunch.

"That is perfectly accurate," Priyanka said.

"No mutation," Hal said.

"No mutation," Priyanka agreed. "I think the rumour engine has moved on to other things. The cycle is complete."

"What are the other things?"

"There iHe had looked up the school play out of curiosity the night before the cast list. It was a historical drama, 1800s setting, cast of twelve, spring term performance.

"There is apparently a situation involving someone in year eight and a guinea pig that was left unsupervised in the science lab," Priyanka said. "I have not confirmed details."

"I do not want details," Hal said quickly.

"Wise," Priyanka said. "The less you know, the less you can inadvertently become part of."

"Speaking from experience," Hal said.

"Subject A's experience," Priyanka said. "Technically."

"Have you actually written the article?"

"It is mostly done," Priyanka said. "I have a title. The Telephone Effect: How Information Mutates in School Social Networks. It is quite good."

"Am I going to read it and immediately know it is about me?"

"Probably," Priyanka said. "But everyone else will think it is about someone else. That is how these things work."

Hal thought about this. He thought about thinking about auditioning for a school play and ending up as a subject in a sociological study. He thought about the crisis version and the three people asking if he was okay and the way a very small thing could become a very large thing without anyone particularly intending it.

He thought that Priyanka was his best friend and also the most relentlessly interesting person he knew and that these two facts were related. The relentless interest was occasionally directed at him in inconvenient ways. But it was also the thing that meant she had been tracking the rumour since Tuesday and had a notebook entry and a sociological theory and a plan, even if the plan had made things worse, and was currently trying to fix it with a follow-up article.

She was trying to fix it. That was the main thing.

She had been trying to fix it since Tuesday lunchtime, in her own way, which was not always the most direct way but was always thorough. He thought that was probably what you wanted from a best friend: someone who took your problems seriously, even if they also took notes on them.

"Fine," he said. "You can publish it. But change it to two times."

"Done," Priyanka said. "Subject A thanks you for your contribution to social science."

"Subject A wants lunch," Hal said.

"Subject A should eat," Priyanka agreed. "Brain fuel for rehearsals."

"You are going to be insufferable about this play," Hal said.

"I am going to be very supportive," Priyanka said. "Also possibly use it as further data."

"About what?"

"How rumours evolve once the subject of the rumour is visibly doing the thing the rumours were about," Priyanka said.

Hal looked at her.

"You had a free period," he said.

"I had a free period," she confirmed.

The guinea pig situation in year eight, he later found out, had been considerably more dramatic than the version Priyanka had heard. It had also been resolved, according to several different versions of events, in several different ways, none of which were consistent. But that is a different story, and not one Hal had anything to do with, and he intended to keep it that way.

They went to lunch.

The End